(12) emotions

I had maybe less trouble getting out the door than I expected, enjoyed the drive to Ikea - it was nice to be driving after almost a week of not doing so - and was happy to be in the store.

I was already practicing Leil's heads up posture. It felt completely weird. Not looking at my feet was weird, and a bit worrisome ... and then I felt like a complete asshole. Um, I suppose that could be a good thing. I'm so used to looking apologetic all the time. On the other hand, I like being nice.

Confidently got my breakfast, which was weird. Not the breakfast. That was great, if a little on the large side. The confidence part felt weird. Very happy to be in my spot by the big window, the sun warming just enough through the heavily shielded glass. The table and chairs with their clean design. All the other customers. Fun. As usual.

Read a bit about Chi Gong. Oh, I have to practice that exercise. Just reading about it, I could feel the Qi powerfully, in my hand, a sweet feeling. Argued with Peng about how to describe that, though, about whether it proves anything. Maybe that's silly. I certainly am satisfied.

Started to need to poop, and left early, even planning to head home ... and resolving to go out again, to go out every day.

Decided to hold on and shop. (Not a chance I was going to use the toilet at the store.) Bought, in the end, lots of stuff. Lots of frames for my everlasting art project - will I ever sell anything? - and some children's art supplies, big markers that stamp a silly little picture, and Ikea's signature glitter gel ink ball points in lots of nice colors. And a vase and a candle holder and four fat candles, to activate the money area. I was pretty happy about that last bit. The bought four hot dogs and three slices of pizza, my dinners for a few days, is the plan, and two cups of coffee, just for pleasure (a guilty pleasure, because of the plastic lined paper cups), and a one pound bag of mixed candies from their amazing "pick and mix" wall. (The last was expensive.)

Payed for all the shopping - not the food, but the other things - with the credit card, which means it's all on Kiyomi. Cringing with embarrassment. I refuse to stop, though. Still walking around with my nose in the air. At some point some guy looked at me almost like he was shocked, like "is this guy important or something." That's the sought after effect ... if I want it. The girl at the food counter was cranky at first, but then really nice. I was being nice. Sometimes that works. Brushed right by this other girl. She had to stop and pivot, or, at least, she did. It's usually me doing that ... and I just ignored her, I mean, not to be rude, but just to not impose. Weird. Really, I'd like to be more polite. But it was efficient, and uncharacteristically not timid of me.

Off to ... the post office, to mail that card - how will it go over? Then to Trader Joe's, and Changing Hands.

For whatever reason, I was feeling increasingly anxious. It's about the money, the lack of it, the fact that I'm doing all this stuff, putting posts and links here, trying to publicize it, and there's dead silence from my Facebook friends, no comments, and no purchases. For days. And I'm doing these posts on stocks. It's scary. What will people think?! Also, will I be able to manage? Like, the list is pretty long, now.

At Changing hands, a lady was looking at the shelves I was interested in, and just seemed not even aware I was right behind her. That was fun. The psychology books looked fascinating. Resolved to create a section of them here. Then the checkout guy was friendly at first, but seemed, in the end, horrified, by my nose being in the air. Kept my head high driving home. I think it did make me more respectable. I wondered if it was safe, though.

And, finally, someone was parked in my spot. What a life. Tried to think how I was going to deal with that.


Oh, and first thing in the morning, first, I ran a bath, and then I recited the entire King of Prayers, now for the second time. I really like it. Will it turn my life powerfully in a new directions. Didn't feel that much effect, but it is a beautiful prayer. Then, took my bath, which was lovely. I still felt a little stinky, heading out. Can a prayer make me sweet smelling (if recited regularly).


So, I should go back to yesterday, when, working on the whole Web tangle, I started feeling scared, and, also, in my reading, prayer beads were mentioned - someone was using them as a Whatzit, to attract attention at parties - and so, looked for information about how to use them. Didn't find that, but found the King of Prayers, and quickly got my copy, and recited it right there on the spot. I've been doing these YouTube meditations, but that's such a weird scene, even though it's great ... and it's so passive ... so I got the idea to recite a Buddhist prayer. I like it.